Parents often arrive at my rooms having tried everything they can think of, and having landed on the conclusion that their teenager hates them. That is almost never what is happening. But the silence is real, and it is exhausting, and the standard advice to “keep the lines of communication open” is not much use at nine o'clock at night outside a closed bedroom door.

Some of this is developmental

Separating from parents is the actual job of adolescence. A fifteen-year-old who tells you everything is not necessarily doing better than one who tells you nothing.

Some withdrawal is ordinary and healthy. What is worth attention is a change in pattern: a kid who used to have friends over and now does not, who has dropped the sport they loved, who is sleeping at odd hours, whose grades have fallen away, or who has become irritable in a way that is new rather than characteristic.

Irritability, in particular, gets read as attitude. In teenagers it is one of the most common presentations of depression.

Why direct questions do not work

“How was school?” gets “fine” because it is a question with no good answer. Sitting a teenager down opposite you and asking them to explain their feelings is, for most of them, close to an interrogation.

Face-to-face, eye-to-eye, undivided attention is high pressure. It is why so many useful conversations with teenagers happen in cars. Side by side, no eye contact, a natural end point when you arrive, and the option to look out the window instead of answering immediately.

Walking the dog works for the same reason. So does doing the dishes together. Put the conversation alongside an activity rather than in place of one.

Say less

The instinct when a young person finally says something is to respond immediately: reassure, problem-solve, or explain why it is not as bad as they think. All three end the conversation.

Reassurance in particular lands as dismissal. “You have got nothing to worry about” tells them their read on their own life is wrong.

What works better is dull and hard to do. Say the thing back to them. “So it sounds like it has been ordinary for a while.” Then stop talking. The silence will feel far too long to you and about right to them.

Do not make it a project

If every interaction becomes an opportunity to check in, they will start managing you. You will get a curated version designed to make you stop asking, and you will lose your read on what is actually going on.

Be around, be unhurried, and be boring about it. Availability matters more than the quality of any particular conversation.

When to get someone else involved

Sometimes the most useful thing a parent can do is stop being the person who has to get through, and arrange for someone else. That is not a failure. Talking to a professional is often easier for a young person precisely because that person is not their mother.

Consider it if the changes have lasted more than a few weeks, if school is being affected, if they have withdrawn from things they used to care about, if there is any self-harm, or if you have that low-level parental dread that is hard to justify and usually worth listening to.

What they will ask you

The first thing most teenagers want to know is whether I will tell you what they said. It is a fair question and it deserves a straight answer.

Broadly, what a young person tells me is confidential, with exceptions around serious risk of harm. Confidentiality is what makes the work possible: a teenager who believes everything goes home will tell me nothing useful. I explain the limits to them and to you at the outset, so nobody is guessing.

Parents are usually part of the work in some form, particularly with younger adolescents. It is a collaboration, not a handover.

Getting started

You can read about how I work with adolescents and young adults. For a teenager who is reluctant, telehealth is sometimes an easier entry point than walking into a waiting room. And if you are unsure whether it is depression or ordinary teenage flatness, this may help you tell the difference.

If you are worried, get in touch. Kids Helpline is also available to young people directly on 1800 55 1800, at any hour.